Barstool Astrology
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April 2020
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For Every Doom, a Bloom
I’m writing this week’s horoscopes because, in spite of our current climate, I am certain the future will arrive. In times as extreme as these, the human impulse follows suit. Faced with fear we are our worst (looking at you TP hoarders) and best (anyone continuing to show up for work at a hospital or grocery store) selves.
Bonus, with all this time on our hands we can fully contemplate the effect of our choice between savagery or sentience. We’ve all been given the gift of time and with it the forfeiture of excuses. With our calendars and agendas cleared of the common, we can dedicate ourselves most fully to the present. Write the book, paint the picture, meditate, plant the garden, send the letter, speak the apology.
The season of the unforeseen is being heralded by the arrival of Aries, the cardinal fire sign of the zodiac and the astrological equivalent of a flare gun. Nothing destroys more fully, nor readies the ground for new growth more wholly than fire. Aries is the first sign of the zodiac and in the Northern Hemisphere, the bearer of spring, a reminder that for every doom, there is a bloom, and we should all look forward to what this one will yield.
Let’s get to growing.
by Reda Wigle
I’m writing this week’s horoscopes because, in spite of our current climate, I am certain the future will arrive. In times as extreme as these, the human impulse follows suit. Faced with fear we are our worst (looking at you TP hoarders) and best (anyone continuing to show up for work at a hospital or grocery store) selves.
Bonus, with all this time on our hands we can fully contemplate the effect of our choice between savagery or sentience. We’ve all been given the gift of time and with it the forfeiture of excuses. With our calendars and agendas cleared of the common, we can dedicate ourselves most fully to the present. Write the book, paint the picture, meditate, plant the garden, send the letter, speak the apology.
The season of the unforeseen is being heralded by the arrival of Aries, the cardinal fire sign of the zodiac and the astrological equivalent of a flare gun. Nothing destroys more fully, nor readies the ground for new growth more wholly than fire. Aries is the first sign of the zodiac and in the Northern Hemisphere, the bearer of spring, a reminder that for every doom, there is a bloom, and we should all look forward to what this one will yield.
Let’s get to growing.
by Reda Wigle
Aries:
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The sun moving into your sign heralds a surge of energy and creativity. Fellow ram and professional eyebrow furrower Samuel Beckett decreed, “to find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now.” In the mess of misfortune we find ourselves in Aries, what form will your fire forge?
Notable Aries: Suge Knight / April 19, 1965 |
Taurus:
April 20 - May 20
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You prefer a pasture to a pen and this forced confinement may spur feelings of restless resentment. Quiet your hooves and settle yourself Taurus; the cure for your caginess is a double shot of gratitude -- and maybe cake.
Notable Taurus: Calamity Jane / May 1, 1852 |
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
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Captivity is an unnatural state for a Gemini and it breeds the all too familiar feeling that the grass is greener elsewhere. Rather than imagining where you could be, imagine how you could be of service to those around you. Heed the advice of my wise friend Lenny, and bloom where you are planted.
Notable Gemini: Ralph Waldo Emerson/ May 25, 1803 |
Cancer:
June 21 - July 22
Going to the Chapel?
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Poet laureate of moon children, Pablo Neruda wrote, “The days aren't discarded or collected, they are bees that burned with sweetness or maddened the sting: the struggle continues, the journeys go and come between honey and pain.” In the difficult days to come, Cancer, be on the lookout for honeyed moments. We must suffer the sting to savor the sweetness.
Notable Cancer: Tom Hanks / July 9, 1956 |
Leo:
July 23 - August 22
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Writer Honoré de Balzac cautioned, “The more we judge, the less we love.” I offer this reminder to you, Leo, as you navigate personal relationships amidst the unease of our times. Your way is not the only way, and if you listen rather than lecture you may discover an angle or opinion you hadn’t previously considered.
Notable Leo: J.K. Rowling / July 31, 1965 |
Virgo:
August 23 - September 22
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Fellow Virgo and all-round curator of kink, Mr. D.H. Lawrence, urged, “Be a good animal, true to your animal instincts.” For Virgos, those instincts are to keep calm amidst the chaos of the mind, eat well and proceed with measured grace through any kind of grit. May the good animal in you shepherd the fearful among us.
Virgo: Mary Shelley / August 30, 1777 |
Libra:
September 23 - October 22
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Were you shortchanged out of a happy childhood, Libra? Consider quarantine the summer camp of your soul. I hereby order you to eat cake for breakfast, shun the tyranny of pants, roller skate through deserted streets, stay up late, sleep in a blanket fort, draw on the walls, howl at the moon and otherwise bottle feed joy to your inner child.
Notable Libra: Lenny Bruce/ October 13, 1925 |
Scorpio:
October 23 - November 21
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In these trying times, take heed the words of fellow scorpion Sylvia Plath, “I remember what this flesh has gone through; I dream of what it may go through.” You’ve seen, and seen yourself through, so much Scorpio. Dream of kinder lessons to come, the latest is only a bruise along the way.
Notable Scorpio: Colin Kaepernick / November 3, 1987 |
Sagittarius:
November 22 - December 21
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We can’t make more time, archer, but we can ordain how we spend it. As a fire sign you’re tasked with illuminating the shadow parts of life in ways that comfort and inspire your fellow man. How are you filling your days and seeking fulfillment in these dark times, Sagittarius? Be the torch that lights the way.
Notable Sagittarius: Nostradamus / December 14, 1503 |
Capricorn:
December 22 - January 19
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With a string of planets currently in Capricorn you are primed to be the most exalted, powerful version of your sea goat self. Aces, since your level head and rational insights are needed now more than ever. Pro tip: rather than punish those less level and rational than you, practice patience and radical tenderness.
Notable Capricorn: Muhammad Ali / January 17, 1942 |
Aquarius:
January 20 - February 18
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In strange times, the world demands strange measures. Lucky for you and the world at large, Aquarius, strange is your dominion. What profound pipe dream, mad scheme or wild invention have you been gestating Aquarius? The time is nigh to deliver your weird.
Notable Aquarius: Mozart / January 27, 1756 |
Pisces:
February 19 - March 20
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With hordes of folks depending on you for emotional stability, it is imperative that you fortify yourself. I challenge you to engage in one action per day in which you are the sole beneficiary. Masturbate, take a bath, take a drive, drink the last swish of orange juice straight out of the container, say “no” to someone you love. Repeat.
Notable Pisces: Dr. Seuss / March 2, 1904 |
Reda Wigle is a middle child named for a stigmatic saint. She likes dark humor and antique light fixtures. Reda lives between the salt and the grit in Key West, FL and New Orleans, La where she is working towards her MFA in Creative Nonfiction. She serves as associate editor of Bayou Magazine.
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